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Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:  I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three

nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the

arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,

an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and

also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience

caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused

me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally

answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am

confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity

which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and

confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person

to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen

employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about

him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her

financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN

number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have

modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my

account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press the following buttons first:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

Then press:

 #1. To make an appointment to see me

 #2. To query a missing payment.

 #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

 #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

 #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

 required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized

Contact mentioned earlier.

 #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my

automated answering service.

 #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will

play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

Esther -----

And remember,

Try not to make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to

piss us off.

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There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it's broken, so he leans over to a local who's squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" 
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's balls in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. 
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of his camel's balls! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It's 2:05.p.m. 
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it's done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's balls. The local says "Sit down here and grab my camel's balls". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall." 

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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman asks "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

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A man walked into his lawyer's office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. That tastes like shit he shouts. The man just laughs and tells him, just turn the apple around.

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe herself with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These goddamn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came home with a ribbon inside  the crack of her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!' 

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Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you fucking bitch!'

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A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay check. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood." The guy does, and he's enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?" "Yeah," the guy responds, "but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

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Flip Wilson

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One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, are riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leans over, smacks Tommy across the head, and Tommy yells out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" Later that day in church, the mom goes to talk to the priest and says "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." The priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" She says "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" The priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast, and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. His mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and he replies "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
 

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A business man's company tells him that he will have to take a long business trip to Japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still, but every time she does it, it breaks his heart, and this trip will be the longest he has ever been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat, and has done it less and less. Having given up smoking, he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction, so he decides to go to a sex shop on his way home from work to get her something to keep her amused.
In the shop, he looks around for a bit but doesn't really find anything satisfactory. Just as he's about to leave, the owner calls him over.
“You looking for something special?”
“Yes, I need something to keep my wife busy while I'm away so she won't cheat.”
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.
“So, what's so special about that?” asks the man
“Watch … Voodoo dildo door”
To the man's surprise the dildo rises from the box, and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.
“Voodoo dildo box”
The dildo stops fucking the door, and drops back into its box.
“Thats amazing!, says the man. "I’ll take it”
After paying for it, he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing, he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious, but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week, she feels the need for a fuck; but as she wants to stop cheating, she instead gets out the dildo.
“Voodoo dildo my pussy”
The dildo rises obediently from the box, enters her wet pussy and starts to fuck her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual ecstasy however, she forgets the turn off command. And, as she is well into orgasm number eleven, she can't think straight. She tries to pull it out to stop it, but it doesn't work, so she decides to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way to the hospital, she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see’s this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down, and asks,
“Have you been drinking?”
“No” The now distraught woman replies.
“A voodoo dildo is fucking me and I can't get it to stop! I'm on my way to hospital to have it removed.”
The office looks at her for a second and then says, “Voodoo dildo, my ass.”

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and the wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband's my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothin in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you he'll wake up won't he?

"He certainly won't," she whispered. "If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder again and beckoned him over. Again he pulled a hair out of the husband's ass to determine if he  was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled a hair out of the husband's ass.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband woke up and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

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A man is showing off his brand new rifle to his buddy. He's proud of the fact that this rifle is the latest model equipped with high power sight. “Just look through that sight,” he tells his buddy. “Here, scan those roof tops.” His buddy looks through the sight, and suddenly he lowers the rifle. “Oh, shit!” he says. “What?” asks his friend.
Swallowing hard, his buddy says, "I just saw my wife making love to a guy on that roof over there.” Enraged, he hands the rifle back to his friend and says, “I want you to shoot them for me.” “I can’t do that,” says his friend.
“Look,” says his buddy, “I don’t know anything about guns. But you're my best friend, and you’ve got to do this for me.” After making the difficult decision, the friend begins to aim.
His buddy says, “This is what I want you to do. I want you to kill them both! Shoot him in the balls, and her in the face!”
“Holly cow!” says the friend, peering through the sight and taking aim. “I think I can get this in one shot!”

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A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

 

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you?'

 

Blushing and uncomfortable but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

 

He answers, "Madam . . if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price ."
 

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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." 

The guy asks, "What's wrong with her?" 

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. 

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." 

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." 

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." 

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. 

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. 

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." 

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. 

The guy says, "Get me some nails." 

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. 

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and yells, "Fuck!" 

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
 

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